Not all Negative.

It has been almost 2 months since this hospitalization began. I have the moments where I cry and cry out of frustration, defeat, why me, was I a horrible person in my last life?... but then I have crying moments of pure gratitude. Chronic Illness has shown me more than misery.

I cant sleep because I am in too much pain, but I can distract my self with positive thoughts and new outlooks.

So what has this complicated life done for me? What has chronic illness shown me?

It reminds me of what true, real, genuine friends look like.

It reminds me I am stronger on my worst days than some people on their best days

It reminds me to VALUE this body that it is, as it is because even when it feels like the final battle in The Deathly Hallows inside of me, when it doesn't, my body is capable of great things. And even when I do feel like trash, if I can stretch and move, god I swear movement truly is medicine. It lets me work out which is the most important tool in my toolbox. Being active is the best thing for my frustrated mind and finicky body. And how lucky am I that I have this body that can bring me to yoga, to hike a mountain (a small one), to walk around the baseball stadiums, to play with my dog, to chase after my friend's kids. 

I want to be informative but never negative. Am I pissed sometimes? Fuck yes. But it could always be worse, I still have so much of this life to live and I will not let some chronic illnesses turn me into Grandpa Charlie.


If this blog can do anything, It can maybe help me help myself. Help me to be more transparent about my true chronic illnesses and stop pretending I am normal. I'd say most of those who know me know the bare minimum because it's just not a part of my life I have ever been comfortable airing out... because I have always just wanted to be normal. I have recently come to find that just because I am not normal doesn't mean my life will suck, it just has to look a little different than I pictured it. And maybe a little transparency will help those closest to me understand why I can go MIA out of nowhere or why I just have to cancel plans or miss events. Even better, maybe it will help someone I've never met, feel less alone because the weight it bears is HEAVY. 


Thanks for coming to my 5am TED talk.

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